LOL, I have just had a minor epiphany. Here I sit, contemplating my life, my choices, my Spirit, God and wondering what the piece is that I’m missing. Why do I feel so jumbled? Admittedly I’m at a rather hormonal part of the month (sorry if that is TMI but it’s just the honest to God truth) but everyone knows there are areas in their lives that just aren’t jelling. So what was I missing?
The area I seem to be struggling in right now is relationships and my need to be in one. You know in the last 16 years I have spent maybe 6 months single? If you had asked me before if I had a problem being single I would have denied it but anyone looking at that simple fact would have to admit some sort of issue.
And then today, while talking to someone and trying to honor my real feelings about something I stumbled upon at least a partial answer. I have HUGE unrealistic expectations for relationships. I assume that any man I am trying to get to know is going to want to be very intimate very quickly. And I don’t want to be casually intimate so I would pressure for a relationship. And if I’m in a relationship I have to “act” a certain way and “be” something for this man. And really – all I want to do is hang out, go to the movies, have dinner, laugh. Enjoy the company of someone. Why dear God do I have this expectation? Where did it even come from?
I have obviously not gotten to the bottom of this black hole but I guess at least I know it is there. But we all have them right? Those secret dark places inside we barely notice and at all costs avoid. Looking them in the eye is painful for all of us and knowing they are a part of you and figuring out how to love it anyway is doubly painful. At least it is for me. The dark shadow of the soul is what I have heard it termed before. Those loathsome places we don’t want anyone to know about, not even ourselves.
Spiritually, I believe, that those places exist on purpose to teach us about ourselves and how to become more divine or Christ like. If you can look that evil dark expectation (or whatever) in the face and say – “it’s ok, I love you anyway. I know you are doing the best you can.” Then you can give yourself unconditional love. If you can do that for yourself, it becomes possible to do it for others. To look at someone else and know that deep down they have those dark places too. Those areas that haven’t seen the Light yet. And when you bring Light (read awareness) to those areas then the chance for real growth and acceptance can begin. God, if we could just look at another human and see that we are all the same in this way what could we learn from each other? What could we become if we could see that we ALL have something to learn from these dark places? That they are here so that we may bear witness to the Truth, to bring us closer to Divine.