My comfy chair
My comfy chair
If you are over the age of 25 then you have probably noticed patterns in your life. We all have them, a way of thinking or doing things that we have just assimilated for some reason. The details of the pattern are really the only difference. Where mine might herringbone yours might be chevron, or gingham. I have found a lot of patterns in my life, some are positive ones that I’m glad I have. Others are negative and end up taking me down a road I don’t want to be again. It is a slow and agonizing process every time I discover one too. I would think that there are probably those of us who wake up one morning with perfectly clarity on their pattern but alas, that has yet to happen to me. It seems like a never-ending path to find the start of a pattern so that I might choose a different road for myself.
One pattern I am beginning to discover is this emotional addiction I seem to have. It’s weird to think about actually. How does one have an addition to emotions, but I can’t find a better word to explain it. I have a need to feel intensely, good, bad or ugly. And this is not due to an inability to be emotional. I am actually very empathetic and emotional. So much so that for most people I turn the emotion button off and they just don’t see that side of me. It’s too much to be available emotionally like that to everyone. But man if you are close to me look out because I feel really deep. And I think I became so used to those feelings (particularly the negative ones) that I started to create situations where I would keep experiencing them. Cause you know – that was “who I was” or “what I did” or “what my life was like”. Do you know what I’m talking about? Does anyone else out there get this?
I became so accustomed to this emotional roller coaster of a life, from my teens on, that I am finding myself on eggshells without it. I truly almost don’t know how to react to things right now because they are so different. And the other thing I have discovered is that with the changes in my life that have removed that emotional high I still find myself missing something. I’m coasting around wondering what am doing and why am doing it. I have been in this low-grade depression for a while now and the lack of anything to blame it on is what has caused me to stumble onto this pattern in the first place.
My life – is really great. I have a great job, fabulous kids, a nice home, enough income to be relatively comfortable, companionship and family. I’m trying to grow a social circle and am active in my church. Dude – “It’s a Wonderful Life!”. So then what is causing this feeling of disconnection?
The only thing I have been able to come up with is that without the drama life is sort of boring. Stable doesn’t necessarily mean exciting. So I’m missing the emotional roller coaster. My relationships without it feel different and so I don’t know how to act. I’m trying to learn to not be a martyr and so I don’t know how to act. I’m trying to find real intimacy and love and relationship and it is so different from what I believed it to be…so I don’t know how to act.
I’m struggling. I will have days when I want to pick up on an old pattern and walk down a familiar road just so I will feel something besides this mild indifference.
But I guess those old patterns are being replaced with new ones. Like crocheting I just haven’t got the rhythm down for the pattern yet so it feels a little awkward. But with a stable pattern real beauty is created. With a slow and steady rhythm fewer mistakes are made. I’ll keep fiddling with it and know that at some point the new will become more comfortable…and I will know how to act.
I know, I’m a week late on this topic which isn’t supposed to be good for bloggers. Timeliness online is critical – but the realization only hit me this morning so what the hell.
I was up early, like 4:30am early, and contemplating my life. I do that so often it’s a defining part of my personality. I guess Socrates’ quote of the unexamined life is at least true for me. I’ve been struggling with depression this last year and this morning I started out with those questions. We’ve all had them; what am I doing, why am I doing it, is this all there is? When I find myself drowning in those thoughts I turn to prayer and meditation. I meditated a long time this morning on acceptance, peace, love. All those amazing attributes that I find lift myself up. After awhile I headed downstairs to make coffee and breakfast. My mind still swirling with thoughts from my time with God and they weren’t necessarily more positive yet.
This is the time where I need to get a little metaphysical and risk opinions. See, God to me is the process by which life functions. God isn’t a “he” or a “she” to me, God just IS. God is process, God is law. I also believe that all of existence has God in it. I am expression of God, the rock is an expression of God, the stream, the bird, the bacteria….everything is a unique expression of God. So at my base level I am God expressing as Jennie, the single mother of 35 living and working in NC. I also believe that God doesn’t pass judgment, God allows consequences. If A, B, C happen well then God (natural law) means D will be the consequence. And of course this is horribly simplified because God is way bigger than anything I can begin to truly understand.
Ok now with that background my thoughts as I’m making coffee went something like this:
God is timeless, there is no time. Everything happens through Divine order and as such is perfect. God is the process of life, the how and why of all things. God allows every form of creation to express through Love. My deepest self is also part of that process, God, and so I am timeless. Each moment is as it should be always which means I am always given what I need/want/ask for in a certain sense – right about then I began to pour my coffee. That’s when this powerful perspective of Thanksgiving hit. The coffee is an expression of God. God allowed the coffee to be created, and travel to my home so I could drink it. And I really love coffee….Wow, Thank you God for the coffee!
That beautiful and simple reminder this morning, which of course also was a gift allowed by God, was magnificent. I was thankful for my bowl and hot water. I was thankful for the stove and spoons and electricity. I was overwhelmed with gratitude for everything. God, thank you for allowing my expression of you as Jennie, the single mother of 35 living in NC. :) Cause you know what, Jennie is pretty cool. And I’m honored to be expressing God in this way, as me.
I hope that all of you have similar moments of gratitude in your life. That they come often and last long. What a wonderful experience.
Wow, what a crazy couple of weeks. The kids and I are very happy to say that we have purchased a home and we moved in the first weekend of October. The move went really well and I’m very grateful for everyone that was able to help us get settled in. It’s a small place, a three bedroom townhouse, but Continue reading
I have a dog. Her name is Galaxy. She is a medium-sized black lab/something mix and we brought her home with us early 2008. She is crazy…not just crazy, she is neurotic. She is head shy and doesn’t seem to like men very much. My guess is she had a heavy-handed male owner for a bit before she was placed for adoption. She is lazy too. I have never seen a dog Continue reading
My son was diagnosed with autism at 3 years of age. It was shattering for me, I will not sugar coat it. And I still have days where I really struggle with the challenges his autism brings us. Because it is a part of my life I am a natural advocate for the disorder. I follow legislation in my state. I am a supporter of Autism Speaks and my fabulous state autism society. I hear stories about the major push to help children and adults with this disorder so they can participate in sports and go to concerts and get jobs. I am glad to see those things but I’ll be honest sometimes I see those stories and I think, “what about the other kids?”. What about the kids with cerebral palsy, or down’s syndrome, or who are fighting cancer? Shouldn’t they have the same kind of attention and support for what their struggle is?
So when I saw this #ALS #icebucketchallenge I was excited. I was glad that I was seeing something being brought to the foreground and looked at. I am glad that I can show support for it. We all, every single person on this planet, are struggling with something. From autism to eating disorders to ALS and we each of us have a responsibility to support each other. All of us. To support each other globally. Take a few minutes and learn a bit about this disease. While dumping water on your head is good fun, don’t forget the purpose of the exercise.
I have such a huge list of people to nominate. I would love to see #KevinSpacey do this. Or my favorite author #JimButcher. Or how about some great children character’s like: #DoratheExplorer, #MickeyMouse, #BuzzLightyear, you get the idea. :)
But I think I will send this out and know I did my part, that I showed my children something important and to have hope that we get better at supporting each other every day.
Below is the video of our #icebucketchallenge I hope you enjoy!
I had a visit from Sadness today.
I was thinking she would be by soon.
Normally Anger or
Denial meet her at the door.
Today I met her
after the first gentle knock.
She looked tired
like she had just spent time with Fear.
She had one hand wrapped around her middle
The other holding herself up on the door frame.
I’ve never really looked at her so close before.
Her face was tear-stained
Her eyes dark and distance.
I invited her in.
I pulled out a chair for her at the table
Brewed some tea.
It was warm.
We both took a deep breath
Then she began to talk.
She talked about things I had not heard about.
Things I didn’t know.
I cried with her
Told her I was sorry I hadn’t heard her before.
She left sooner today then she normally does.
I had Love and Joy walk her home.
I know I will see her again.
That will be a good visit too.