I’ve been thinking about this post for a few weeks.  Since I decided to visit a local flea market actually.  I’m sure you have been to a busy place before.  A mall, a parade, a market.  Whatever the place the amount of material there is immense.  I was surrounded by clothing, glassware, furniture, food, jewelry, toys, just to name a few.  This was a place that could be overwhelming and indeed after a few hours I found I needed to find some space.  The colors, sights, smells and sheer numbers were uncountable.

The experience got me to thinking just how much STUFF there is in the world.  Which is interesting as most people (myself included) run on the assumption that their isn’t enough for them.  For whatever the reason the idea stuck with me and I found myself contemplating it for several day.  Have you every really looked around at how much is in existence?  Just look around your house, the material needed to make your furniture, your fabrics (clothing, rugs, curtains), what about the plastics?  What is the plastic composed of?  The glass, the numbers of grains of sand it took to make the glass?!  The food in your pantry?  And that, that right there was what brought up the next thought I had.

How can we have people with so little when there is so much?  Follow through on the thoughts here.  Let’s say you bought a shirt at a store…Target, JCPenny…whatever.  How many shirts just like the one you got were still hanging on the rack?  How many shirts were in the store?  How many stores are there?  Think about the amount of cotton it took to make all those shirts (not to mention any other material it might be made of).  Now let’s take it a step further, how many shirts do you already have?  How many thrift and second hand stores are in your neighborhood?  How can there be that many shirts??

And of course the next question is how can there be people that don’t have shirts?

This is just an example but so far I haven’t been able to think of a single thing that there aren’t huge numbers for.  I can’t understand numbers that large.  Food….yes, there really is that much food.  Distribution is the problem.  This isn’t a new idea and in fact I have read a lot about it from many places.  But this last week or two I became aware of it in a profound way.

In addition to this I have been watching some fascinating documentaries and the shear abundance of our world staggers me.  I’m not sure there is any real purpose in all of this except awareness.  Becoming more aware of exactly what is available makes it easier to remind myself in times of lack to remember, there really isn’t any lack…I just need to be directed to another source.  It’s comforting to remember that when I get stressed or distracted.  And it can be used in lack of any type.  There is plenty enough of everything for everyone.  With that knowledge I can do as Jesus directed John the Baptist to do while in prison, look over the limitation of the prison wall.  See what else is happening and available around you.  Be open to possibility and don’t get lost in appearances….cause there is always enough.  Enough love, faith, hope and yes even food.  :)


When I was young my 4th of July was typical.  I grew up in the Midwest…my backyard was literally a cornfield.  A small town, a train ran through it.  There was a main street with a theater.  There were two, maybe three restaurants.  A post office, a library…one grocery store.  If you wanted to do any real shopping it was a 20 min drive to the city to get what you needed or wanted.  Pretty Americana…

This fourth I’m at home watching American History films and listening to classical guitar.  I took a road trip.  Had a glass of wine.  Listened to my dog bark and the strange booming noises outside.  So very different from my childhood fourth with its sparklers and lightening bugs.  When you looked at the lights in the sky and were amazed…

I wonder with all the things happening in our world what Freedom really means.  What about this?  What about that?  It seems when you bring people together that inevitably problems follow shortly after them.  I struggle, each opinion has its on merits.  Each thought and perspective just as valid as the other in most cases.  How do we as Americans really create a freedom that is there for everyone, in every country, of every race, gender and ethnicity?  How do we as HUMANS create that?

The fireworks draws our eyes to the sky and a person looks at that immensity and sees the Universe spread out.  Something so vast that it makes us feel small.  And perhaps that is where this Freedom comes to fruition.  By knowing that their is space for everything.  I don’t need to keep someone else from being less so I can hold on to my own sense of well being…there is enough space for both, for all.  I think that is what God sees.  I think that God knows that there is enough space and so we don’t have to force anything on anyone.  They can do their own thing, it’s all good.

Can you do that?  Can you look at each person, object and thing and give it its space?  Can you allow it to be what and how it is?  That seems to be real freedom.  I’m a dreamer obviously….the idealist waiting for Utopia to open its doors…but what if we could?  What if we could allow that space, that freedom.  Surely that Independence is close to Love (capitol L).

I could go on but it would just be rambling.  My heart aches tonight for the weary I suppose.  For those that struggle and fight and I want to tell them they don’t need to.  That what we all really need to do is just give space.  To give Love.

Happy Fourth of July everyone.  May your year of freedom be glorious.


I am the shifting sands of the desert
I am the crashing waves on the shore.

I am the drifting clouds on the horizon
and the lightening streaking the sky.

I am the movement of planets and stars
the swell of emotions in the heart.

I cannot be made static.
I cannot stand still.

Each moment brings something inconstant.
Each moment the path becomes new.


My comfy chair
Gently rocking
Mind wandering.

Breathe deep
Eyes close


Confessions of an Emotional Junkie

If you are over the age of 25 then you have probably noticed patterns in your life.  We all have them, a way of thinking or doing things that we have just assimilated for some reason.  The details of the pattern are really the only difference.  Where mine might herringbone yours might be chevron, or gingham.  I have found a lot of patterns in my life, some are positive ones that I’m glad I have.  Others are negative and end up taking me down a road I don’t want to be again.  It is a slow and agonizing process every time I discover one too.  I would think that there are probably those of us who wake up one morning with perfectly clarity on their pattern but alas, that has yet to happen to me.  It seems like a never-ending path to find the start of a pattern so that I might choose a different road for myself.

One pattern I am beginning to discover is this emotional addiction I seem to have.  It’s weird to think about actually.  How does one have an addition to emotions, but I can’t find a better word to explain it.  I have a need to feel intensely, good, bad or ugly.  And this is not due to an inability to be emotional.  I am actually very empathetic and emotional.  So much so that for most people I turn the emotion button off and they just don’t see that side of me.  It’s too much to be available emotionally like that to everyone.  But man if you are close to me look out because I feel really deep.  And I think I became so used to those feelings (particularly the negative ones) that I started to create situations where I would keep experiencing them.  Cause you know – that was “who I was” or “what I did” or “what my life was like”.  Do you know what I’m talking about?  Does anyone else out there get this?

I became so accustomed to this emotional roller coaster of a life, from my teens on, that I am finding myself on eggshells without it.  I truly almost don’t know how to react to things right now because they are so different.  And the other thing I have discovered is that with the changes in my life that have removed that emotional high I still find myself missing something.  I’m coasting around wondering what am doing and why am doing it.  I have been in this low-grade depression for a while now and the lack of anything to blame it on is what has caused me to stumble onto this pattern in the first place.

My life – is really great.  I have a great job, fabulous kids, a nice home, enough income to be relatively comfortable, companionship and family.  I’m trying to grow a social circle and am active in my church.  Dude – “It’s a Wonderful Life!”.  So then what is causing this feeling of disconnection?

The only thing I have been able to come up with is that without the drama life is sort of boring.  Stable doesn’t necessarily mean exciting.  So I’m missing the emotional roller coaster.  My relationships without it feel different and so I don’t know how to act.  I’m trying to learn to not be a martyr and so I don’t know how to act.  I’m trying to find real intimacy and love and relationship and it is so different from what I believed it to be…so I don’t know how to act.

I’m struggling.  I will have days when I want to pick up on an old pattern and walk down a familiar road just so I will feel something besides this mild indifference.

But I guess those old patterns are being replaced with new ones.  Like crocheting I just haven’t got the rhythm down for the pattern yet so it feels a little awkward.  But with a stable pattern real beauty is created.  With a slow and steady rhythm fewer mistakes are made.  I’ll keep fiddling with it and know that at some point the new will become more comfortable…and I will know how to act.

My Spiritual Thanksgiving

I know, I’m a week late on this topic which isn’t supposed to be good for bloggers. Timeliness online is critical – but the realization only hit me this morning so what the hell.

I was up early, like 4:30am early, and contemplating my life.  I do that so often it’s a defining part of my personality.  I guess Socrates’ quote of the unexamined life is at least true for me.  I’ve been struggling with depression this last year and this morning I started out with those questions.  We’ve all had them; what am I doing, why am I doing it, is this all there is?  When I find myself drowning in those thoughts I turn to prayer and meditation.  I meditated a long time this morning on acceptance, peace, love.  All those amazing attributes that I find lift myself up.  After awhile I headed downstairs to make coffee and breakfast.  My mind still swirling with thoughts from my time with God and they weren’t necessarily more positive yet.

This is the time where I need to get a little metaphysical and risk opinions.  See, God to me is the process by which life functions.  God isn’t a “he” or a “she” to me, God just IS.  God is process, God is law.  I also believe that all of existence has God in it.  I am expression of God, the rock is an expression of God, the stream, the bird, the bacteria….everything is a unique expression of God.  So at my base level I am God expressing as Jennie, the single mother of 35 living and working in NC.  I also believe that God doesn’t pass judgment, God allows consequences.  If A, B, C happen well then God (natural law) means D will be the consequence.  And of course this is horribly simplified because God is way bigger than anything I can begin to truly understand.

Ok now with that background my thoughts as I’m making coffee went something like this:

God is timeless, there is no time.  Everything happens through Divine order and as such is perfect.  God is the process of life, the how and why of all things.  God allows every form of creation to express through Love.  My deepest self is also part of that process, God, and so I am timeless.  Each moment is as it should be always which means I am always given what I need/want/ask for in a certain sense – right about then I began to pour my coffee.  That’s when this powerful perspective of Thanksgiving hit.  The coffee is an expression of God.  God allowed the coffee to be created, and travel to my home so I could drink it.  And I really love coffee….Wow, Thank you God for the coffee!

That beautiful and simple reminder this morning, which of course also was a gift allowed by God, was magnificent.  I was thankful for my bowl and hot water.  I was thankful for the stove and spoons and electricity.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude for everything.  God, thank you for allowing my expression of you as Jennie, the single mother of 35 living in NC.  :)  Cause you know what, Jennie is pretty cool.  And I’m honored to be expressing God in this way, as me.

I hope that all of you have similar moments of gratitude in your life.  That they come often and last long.  What a wonderful experience.

Thank you.


New Home

Wow, what a crazy couple of weeks. The kids and I are very happy to say that we have purchased a home and we moved in the first weekend of October.  The move went really well and I’m very grateful for everyone that was able to help us get settled in.  It’s a small place, a three bedroom townhouse, but Continue reading