April is autism awareness month. And if you know me, you know that I live with autism. My son, almost 7 now, was diagnosis with autism at about 3 years old. I take this label very seriously….too seriously actually. Right now organizations all over the country are blowing the horn of autism. Trying to bring awareness to this disorder(?) and acceptance for their loved ones on the spectrum. This post might be a little bit different from what some are talking about but hey – it’s my blog and my life with autism in it. I figure I can say whatever I want. Continue reading
My daughter’s birthday is this week. She will be 9. Almost a decade. She is so funny and smart and wonderful. I was thinking about being a mom, a mom for 9 years. How much I have learned about myself from her. This won’t be a long post because I respect the privacy of my children but I wanted to acknowledge her birthday. To share with everyone how very proud I am of her.
I think as a parent it is difficult to let your child really walk their own path but that is what I am learning to do. Ironically, as I face more struggles, I look at my daughter and honor more and more of her unique personality and character. Each time another situation comes up it becomes easier to look at her and allow room for her to walk her own path. That is ultimately what this is all about. Her being on this Earth isn’t about being my child, it’s about allowing her to walk her path so she can offer more of herself to the world.
So here is to my first-born. My Angel baby. My gloriously intelligent, magnificently perfect daughter. To her 9 years of growth, change and becoming her own her.
In the last several months I have honestly thought about going to a busy shopping center or downtown street and just singing. In front of everyone, just to see what would happen. I haven’t done this. I am scared. What brings it to my mind right now is a post a friend shared on Facebook the other day. It lead to this fabulous video clip with a very cool street performance. I watched the whole video with a huge smile on my face. Letting the music wash over me. And I was so grateful for those performers bringing something magnificent and beautiful to our lives. Even though I wasn’t there to actually see it, the joy I got from watching the video was wonderful.
I don’t know any details of this video. I don’t know if it was fake, obviously it was well thought out and planned. But you know what, I’m not sure I care. I’ve seen several videos like this, this is not the only one. All of them make me smile. It got me to thinking about singing on the busy street again, wondering why I don’t do it. Why don’t we do those things? What judgment are we afraid of? The worst I can imagine in my own mind is the police coming to tell me to stop because I don’t have a permit. But so? I mean so I would stop and so what? What if someone told me I wasn’t any good? But so?
The other question I ask myself about this is why do I even want to do it. As a recovering people pleaser I am terrified that my actions are “unhealthy” because I might be looking for approval outside of myself. Something I am trying desperately to not do. So if not for approval why would I even want to sing in front of others? It seems arrogant to say that I want to share my voice because I think people would like it – but what if that is true? What if it isn’t for approval, what if it is truly a gift for someone?
I struggle with these questions, and I don’t have answers to them. And I have yet to go through on my idea. And then I watch videos like this one and wonder what our world would be like if we all did this? Not sing in public, or dance, or play an instrument, but what if we all gave with no fear of rejection or judgment? What if we took the best that we have been given and shared it with everyone? Not just the people we are close to or a select few in our community, but with the world? What would happen to us if we did that?
I haven’t gone to the mall and started belting it out but here is my small step in that direction. Here is me trying to give and not for the approval of it, but just because I wanted to. Here is me trying to Live Out Loud.
Warm steam surrounds then cools my face.
A tiny idea percolates,
trickles into form.
Ok – thank you.
I felt the need to post this today because of the weather. Today, during another wintery mess, my children and I had ANOTHER snow day. I have lost count but I believe we are 9 for the year which in NC, is kind of unheard of. It was in the low 30′s, with a rainy/icy/sleety mix falling from the heavens all day long.
I am so sick of winter. And the rain. And the clouds. I want sunshine that lasts more than 24 hours (outside of the night hours) and with that attitude I am posting some pictures of a fabulous yellow jacket I found several weeks ago. I love it! Continue reading
I had a thought this morning when I saw the sunrise. The last few days the sunrise has been golden and unblemished. With no clouds in the sky the sun slowly peeked up over the horizon and lit the world with a radiant golden light. Beautiful to be sure.
But isn’t in interesting that the most beautiful sunrises (and sunsets) are the ones with clouds? The colors that come from the light hitting these, mostly water-filled, blocks create a rainbow in the sky. Suddenly not just gold, but pinks, oranges, purples, and reds can be seen. So glorious. Because of a block for the light to go around…
Wow, that was really impactful for me today. We try so hard to clear the clutter from our lives, all the while hating it, wishing it wasn’t there. But the blocks create for some really beautiful light huh?
Just something to think about. Enjoy your sunrises. :)
We all wander through space
Endless Spirit stretched through time
We connect and get a glimpse of how to be whole.
Can we see this wholeness?
The Bliss in connecting and finding ourselves in another
Can we keep it or will we allow the veil of humanity to cover our real selves?
I look at you and can see myself
The parts of myself I can not remember
I find them in you – Thank you.